Things you learn if you live long enough.......

 I finally realize why I look so bad in pictures.  It's my face.

 

It turns out that when asked who your favourite child is, you're supposed to pick one of your own.  I know that now.

 

My kids say they want a cat for Christmas.  Normally I serve turkey but, hey, if it will make them happy.

 

Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side-effects is bad for you.

 

I re-labeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack.  I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

 

I love bacon.  Sometimes I eat it twice a day.  It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.

 

Driver:  "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?”  

Officer:  "Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”

 

I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches.  He said, "I'll see," & walked away.  I asked another & he also said, "I'll see," & walked away.  

In the end, I gave up & found them myself in Aisle C.

 

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places.  He told me to stop going to those places.

 

When I was a kid, I used to watch the ‘Wizard of Oz’ and wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain.  Then I got Facebook.

 

A guy walks into a lumberyard and asks for some 2 x 4s.  The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?"  The guy answers, "A long time.  We're gonna build a house.”

 

My neighbour knocked on my front door at 3 a m.  3 A M!!!

Luckily, I was already up playing the bagpipe.

Nutrition......

A Secret Room.........

Marriage.......

 

Having Kids......

 

Private Tutor.....

 

Honest Confusion ???..........

 When I was in 7th grade, I used to ask a lot of questions.

One day, I asked my English teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation, e.g., the letter 'H' in hour, honour, etc.?"

My English teacher said, "We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent."

(I was even more confused.)

During the lunch break, my teacher gave me her packed lunch and asked me to heat it in the cafeteria.

I ate all the food and returned the empty container to her.

My English teacher asked: "What happened? I told you to go and HEAT my food, and you are returning an empty container to me."

I replied, "Madam, I thought 'H' was silent!"

Exhaustipated ( Word of the day )

"That can't be accurate".........

Blood Donation.......

 A wealthy Arab sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.  As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

 

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.  The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

 

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.

 

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.  The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.

 

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.

 

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."

 

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now".

Vaccination Side Effects.......

 A heads-up for those of you still to be vaccinated.

This happened recently and is important information.
A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination centre after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home.

 When he got home, he called the vaccination centre for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hospitalised.

 He was asked to go back to the vaccination centre immediately, as he had left his glasses behind.

It's a hoot......