A Doctors Speech

​​

"The material we put into our stomachs should have
killed most of us sitting here, years ago. 

Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous.

None of us realizes the long-term harm caused by germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" 

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding  Cake"............

The End Is Near

​

 Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish on the border of Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says 

"THE END IS NEAR.

TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE." 

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,

"Religious  nutters ."

From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."
then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say "BRIDGE CLOSED"?

Life On Other Planets

Who Does What

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. 

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. 

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' 

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' 

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me..' 

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

IRISH Alzheimer

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and  the priest 

almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said:

 "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass.  What made ya come?"

Murphy said:

 "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."

 
The priest said:

 "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn 's

hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied

​:​

 "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With tears in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said:

"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"

Murphy slowly shook his head:

 "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery 'I remembered where I left me hat."

​The Church Lady

​ The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and ​ ​ taught Sunday School every week. One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in ​ ​ the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned ​ ​ forward and said: "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" "Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded. Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest ​ ​ restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman ​ ​ looked over at her and suggested: "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood. "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked: "Would you like a smoke?" "Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my ​ ​ Sunday School class if I did !" Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local ​ ​ Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with: "Ahhh, mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?" "Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation. The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in! The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible ​ ​ lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin' lying there in the bed ​ ​ and with remorse thought: "What the hell have I done?" He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one ​ ​ thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" The lady said: "The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'"

Winter Boots

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her
reception class pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was
putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and
scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting
boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your
mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

THE DRUGGIST

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me
terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times
before he would even answer the phone".

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him: "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off,

so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys
inside and had to break a window to get my keys".

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to
open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people. All the time,

the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register
drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get
down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And believe me Mister, as God is my witness .......... all I did was tell her."

The Texas Midget

​

 A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area.The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

Flu Season

​

Better than a Flu
Shot!

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was
admired for her sweetness

And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old  Hammond
organ,

The young minister

Noticed a   cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled

With water, and in the
water 
Floated, of all things, a
condom!

When she returned

With tea and
scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity

About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about
this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful?

I was walking through

The Park a few months ago

And I found this little package on the
ground.

The directions said

To place it on the organ,

Keep it wet and that it would prevent
the spread of disease.. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter. 

When We Were Kids

Political Potatoe

MEDICAL STUDY ABOUT LONGEVITY..

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

On ​ Safari

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and reluctantly agreed to mother-in-law coming along too.
 

One morning, while still deep in the savannah, the hunter's wife awakened to find her mother gone.

She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face-to-face with a lion.

“What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess,

let him get himself out of it."

The Nerve Of Some People

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.   I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. 

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.  AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL . 
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965.  WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,
 OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED.. 
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

"You Just Rest"

Jake was dying. 

His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Saved For Posterity

       A mortician was working late one night.

       He examined the body of Mr.  Schwartz,

      about to be cremated,
      and made a startling discovery.
      Schwartz had the largest private part
      he had ever seen!

      'I'm sorry Mr.  Schwartz,' the mortician
      commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated 
      with such an impressive private part.
      It must be saved for posterity.'

     So, he removed it,
     stuffed it into his briefcase,
     and took it home.

    'I have something to show
    you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
    opening his briefcase.

  'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
  'Schwartz is dead!'

Where Can I Shop Now???

​When I was ready to check out and  pay for my groceries the cashier said,

"Strip down, facing  me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local State Senator about this unnecessary security rubbish, I did just as she instructed.

After the shrieking and hysteria finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
 

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. 

 

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!

​​Thought For The Day

"It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence."

The Painter

It is always proper and safer to check with your wife when doing anything that is different ​from the usual.  

A painter by the name of Skipper Drover, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Long Harbour for his paintings.

One day, a very attractive young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo and asked Skipper if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request and it had Skipper a bit perturbed.

The beautiful lady told him that money was no object. In fact, she was willing to pay him up to $5,000 cash.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Skipper asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Rose, his missus.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus. The wife says it's okay.

I'll paint ya in da nude, but I have ta leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes".

Wink ! Wink !

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says,"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. 
 Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers.  I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.
He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Spectacular Fire

One dark night in a small town of RosellePark, New Jersey a fire started inside the local sausage factory.

In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved,

so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000!

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Peterstown section of Eizabeth, NJ .
 
This fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!

Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.

Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes. The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonna do isza fixa de brakes on dat

​darna ​

truck!!

Good News Bad News

  ​

The lawyer says:

​      ​

 “I have some good news and bad

​news” 

The CEO replies: “I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.”
  
The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million ......”

The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed ! You’ve made my day; now what is the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “These pictures are of you in bed with your secretary."

     

Getting Another Chance

Confession

​

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." 

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"...

"Yes, Father, it is." 

"And who was the girl you were with?" 

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." 

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say." 

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" 

"I'll never tell." 

"Was it Nina Capelli?" 

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." 

"Was it Cathy Piriano?" 

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" 

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you." 

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." 

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" 

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

A Misunderstanding

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation,

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued,

"Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Celibacy

 Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men.

"Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,

"Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

Back To School

​ Why Golf is better than Sex...

David Letterman's Top 10 Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...
 

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.

#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#07... Foursomes are encouraged.

#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#05... Three times a day is possible.

#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.

#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex......

#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!