• If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• Take my advice — I'm not using it.
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
• Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
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